if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
