I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He passed out mid-signature
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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