My pussy is not your playground.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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