what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
