Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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