Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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