So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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