Quick, to the slutcave!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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