Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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