I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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