I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
