I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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