whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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