I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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