my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I did not marry a roomba.
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