I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
