ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize