Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
