the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found your dick twin last night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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