you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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