So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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