i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
