Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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