So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
now i know why i became what i already was.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
