omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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