I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
