Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
