I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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