I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
