at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
