my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
