Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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