My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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