I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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