did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There's always time for handjobs
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
