Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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