we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
