so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
