I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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