just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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