as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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