my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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