all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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