I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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