I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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