i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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