I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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