i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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