Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So much Jack, so little girl.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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