we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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