Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
