tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
