that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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