I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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