Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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