Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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