I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
