watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
